When I am angry, I don’t let others around me live in peace. My anger shows up on my face and my friends ask me point blank- “what happened?” To which my face swells up in frustration, blood seems to boil under an invisible gas stove, head aches badly and I snap. People run away in fear of getting injuries and come back only when I have calmed down. When I tell such incidences to my mother, she mourns about how I am shattering her dreams. How she would get a future son-in-law if I do not let go of my anger and become a soft, kind hearted and down-to-earth lady?
All I can say for myself in my defense is that anger is in my blood. Thanks to my papa and my grandpa. If there is one thing which they regret about what I have inherited from the male line in my family, it’s their anger. Uncontrollable and highly infectious.
My grandpa and his brothers make Bengal tigers look very tame. When they shout, nobody dares to answer them back. They don’t forget those who make them angry. It’s hard to get into their good books once you have hurt their feelings. They simply do not believe in the theory of forgive and forget. A stranger can sit beside them for few minutes and deduce that they are not someone to take lightly and make fun of. If anyone draws them into a debate, be it about politics or cricket, they will not let you go till you have got convinced at their points and nodded in approval. They remain firm on their decisions and bring the place down if anyone dares to meddle with their opinions. They are regarded as reincarnations of an angry old Sunny Deol in the neighbourhood.
The day my father gets angry, rest of my family gets scared. Nobody wants to approach him for fear of being a victim of his backlash and angry outburst. Nobody is interested to even cook in the kitchen or study because the next day is an exam. Everyone talks in whisper and make assumptions about what is that thing that made dad this murderously angry. He demands tea and tea is made in next 5 minutes. He orders to sit and people sit. He demands the remote control which is handed to him in next 1 second. He changes the channel on TV and nobody complains. Those who didn’t like rice or potatoes eat any type of food kept in front of them. Nobody wants to create any further source of trouble for themselves by making my father angrier. The only people left on Earth who can calm him down are my mother and myself.
The only rival who can compete against my father’s anger and win the race is me. Things like counting backwards inside head or ignoring the person who is the source of anger doesn’t work for me. It is impossible for me to forget those who hurt me/ make me angry. I don’t like those who spoil my mood unnecessarily. I hate those who hurt the sentiments of my family and close friends. I never forget people who misbehave with my mom and dad. I wish them all to pack their bags, go and live on Mars.
My mother always talks with me and tries to divert my mind if I am angry about something. My roommate tells me to ignore recollecting those moments that boils my blood. I do try. But I find that it is easy for me to show my anger instead of keeping it inside myself forever. I don’t like to pass a fake smile when I am angry with someone. I don’t believe in pretending to be cheerful with somebody who had humiliated my mother the previous day. Even if that someone is my relative. When I am angry, I tell it to others around me. When asked, I unabashedly tell them the reason too. That makes me relax a bit. Instead of bottling it all up inside, it’s better to take it all out and get relieved! I find it comfortable to talk about the source of my anger with people who understand me like my mother and my good friends. They have known me throughout my life and are well acquainted about dealing with my angry moods!
The only solace for my mother is that I quickly calm down. Angry for 10 minutes and happy for the rest 23 hours and 50 minutes. This improvement is happening as I am growing up and learning that there is a word called ‘mature’ in English dictionary. With each passing day, I am learning to let go and ignore those human beings who make me angry. But it’s proving to be tough. Not impossible. But just so tough.
My grandma tells me to behave myself at such times even when all I have done is openly declare why I am angry. Interestingly, she will never tell the same to my brother, who has a weird way of showing his anger. He is allowed to say no to food, no to talks and no to common sense when he is angry. If he utters something rude, he is never scolded for that by my grandma. In her opinion, men can show their anger but women have to be sweet all the time. Men can utter any number of curses but women have to only memorize all the nine forms of Goddess Durga and visit temples. I tell her very sweetly that I do remember all the nine forms of the Goddess and that the one I worship a lot is one of her forms only- Goddess Kali, the fiercest of all, the one who carries a sword, a trident (trishul), a severed head and a bowl catching blood of the severed head and wears garland of human skulls. My grandma loses her patience and becomes angry herself. I don’t know why! :)